


The Prince and His Maid

by Qwerty_2poynt0



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (for like the first few chapters), (for like the last few chapters), Cute, Don't worry everyone lives, Epic, F/M, Mystery, Peaceful, Quiet, Resurrection, Time Shenanigans, life shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-10 04:51:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5571739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qwerty_2poynt0/pseuds/Qwerty_2poynt0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The prince lives alone in the palace. Well, almost alone. Ever since he was in charge, he relocated all of the castle staff except one maid who was much too stubborn and insisted that she stay. The girl is curious in more ways than one, but then again, so is the prince.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. White Rabbit

   The Prince was in his workshop. As usual. The only problem with that was he hadn't come out or had anything to eat for half the day. Jane simply could not let that slide. She cooked him her specialty and opened the door without knocking. The prince was working on his latest curiosity, an automaton. Jane had inquired about it since the prince... dismissed the rest of the staff. He'd had the good sense to find them other places to live and work, and he had even prepared a place for her, but there was no way she was leaving him alone in this cavernous building. She'd never encountered him before... the incident, and she didn't plan to leave him here alone after such an event, no matter how uneasy it made the other servants.

   "I suggest you fuel your own body before you worry about powering your newest project, my Prince."

   There was a silence. She had only ever called him your majesty, and both of them noticed the change in word choice. Neither made a comment. The prince silently took the plate from her and smiled. If there was anything that could get a consistent reaction out of him, Jane knew it was her cake. It may not have been the most nutritious thing in the world, but she was afraid he might not eat something else, since the only times she came back to see the food not hardly picked at was when she made him cake. He nodded to her and she exited the room. It had become routine for the past week, which had seemed to stretch on forever. She expected things to pass by quickly once the events fell into place, but it flowed slower than before with just her, the prince and the castle. She set to work cleaning the kitchen and went to the library. The sky outside was overcast.

   Jane pulled out her favorite book from the shelf. 'The Adventures of Alice in Wonderland', she couldn't think of a better place to be than wonderland. She always looked through the pages slowly, losing herself in all the oddities and thinking about what she'd do, were she Alice. It hit her as Alice was about to fall down the drop in the rabbit hole that she was in a bit of a rabbit hole herself. Either things were going by much too slowly, or things were stretching unbelievably long and nobody realized. She seemed contained in her own little world, with her own white rabbit she was chasing. She didn't know why, but she almost wanted to wake up.


	2. Next time

   The maid had been staying with him for the past week and a half, and as much as he would've preferred being left to his own devices, he was actually glad she was there. Dirk didn't have the best track record when it came to taking care of himself. His brother said it was because he was so hell bent on putting everything in order around him, he forgot about himself. The maid seemed to share this opinion. The door to his workshop opened and the maid walked in. His stomach grumbled and reminded him that it was indeed time to eat. He could swear he heard the maid hold back a small giggle. He decided to turn around to receive the plate. The maid blinked at him before making the last few steps and handing him his... he wasn't entirely sure what time it was, and therefore couldn't really discern what meal it would be.

   "What time is it?", he asked.

   The maid jumped and said,

   "About three o'clock, my Prince."

   He supposed it wasn't really any particular time for any meal.

   "Is it always three when I eat?"

   "Yes, my Prince."

   "Hum.", he turned around and set the plate down at his desk.

   "You know," the maid said just as he was about to nod her off, "it really isn't healthy for you to simply pick at your plate once a day."

   He sat there silently as he looked over at the food he'd placed to the side.

   "So you're going to just stand there and wait for me to finish it?", he wondered. There was a slight pause before the maid said,

   "If that's what will get you to eat it."

   He then turned to the plate and picked it up.

   "If you're going to sit there, you're going to have to eat something, too. After all, I haven't seen you eat anything in the past week and a half."

   The maid blinked at him before nodding and scampering off.

   When she came back, she had fixed herself a plate as well and said,

   "Dessert is currently in the oven, I hope you like apple pie."

   He froze. They were sitting at the workbench he'd cleared off.

   "... Can't you make cake again?"

   She looked up at him, slightly confused.

   "But that's what I always make. I thought you might get tired of it."

   "Tired? Are you kidding me? That is the most unbelievably delicious confection I've had in my entire life, and I'd fire you for not making it sooner if that didn't mean you'd never make it again."

   She stared at him with this sort of shell-shocked look on her face. He realized he might have scared her with the whole firing comment.

   "Soo...", she said, "I should make cake next time."

   Next time? Next time... he liked it.

   "Absolutely."

   "Alright, but for now you'll have to endure my apple pie."

   There was a silence.

   "Um... my Prince?"

   Dirk looked up at her.

   "If you really are that opposed to it, I could always go back and make a cake."

   "No, that's not it. It's just... it was his favorite."

   "Oh...", she trailed off.

   There was another silence which was rudely interrupted by his stomach once again. Now the maid laughed. It was an odd, chuckly 'hoo-hoo' sort of sound and Dirk smirked.

   "I'm guessing that means I'm gonna have to eat now. It's too bad, I was really enjoying that long awkward silence."

   The maid let out a final 'hoo' before taking a breath and picking up her fork. They ate and managed to keep up a semblance of a conversation, and they did end up eating the pie, which Dirk praised in his long-winded manor. The maid was far more receptive to it than anyone else he'd ever tried to have a conversation with. It made him happy. He couldn't wait for next time.


	3. Happy Birthday

   The snow fell slowly, silently. Jane smiled wryly out the window when she realized the universe's attempt at parallels. It had been about three weeks and every day had been slow and silent. She went to the workshop to have... the prince called it nutrient absorption hour. He was funny like that. When she walked in, she said,

   "It's snowing outside."

   He looked over at her curiously.

   "What month is it?"

   "You cannot possibly be serious."

   "Oh, but I am, and I've officially made a royal decree that you must tell me what month it is."

   "Hoo hoo, alright, it's the beginning of December."

   He jumped.

   "Wait, what day in December exactly?"

   "The... third?"

   "Shit!"

   Jane jumped at his word choice.

   "What's the matter my Prince?"

   "I forgot to keep track of my own birthday is what's the matter!"

   Jane's eyes widened and she set down the plates on the workbench.

   "THAT'S IT! Get your coat, we're going outside!"

   "Wait- what?", the prince objected as she grabbed his arm and started marching him out of the room.

   "If you can't even celebrate your own birth-day properly, what kind of a... how old are you turning, anyway?"

   "17."

   "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

   "As a heart attack, could you pull back the volume?"

   She'd managed to pull him out of the workshop and stood him in front of her.

   "With all due respect, your majesty, I don't think you realize the gravity of the situation!"

   "What do you mean?"

   "While I am perfectly aware that your role as monarch is quite literally as ornamental as ornamental can get and you have a right to spend your last year until you're eighteen cooped up in this castle like some type of hermit, there is no way I am letting you spend your birthday holed up in a windowless room with only tools and metal to keep you company!!!"

   "But you keep me company."

   "When I force you to stop and eat something, yes!"

   "Well, maybe if you'd come by more often, I'd do more things."

   "Oh, so you're blaming me for your lack of a sense of time? You haven't been in your own bedroom in two weeks!"

   "What, seriously? You didn't go in there, did you?"

   "No, that would be rude, now come with me and get a coat, we're going outside!"

   "Why? Can't we just have a cake and go on with our day?"

   "No. No we can not.", she told him, pulling him in the direction of his room so he could find something to wear.

   "But you said it was snowing outside."

   "Exactly, the perfect climate for doing things."

   "That's backwards logic if I ever heard any."

   "On the contrary, my brother's friend loves the snow."

   "Well then, this friend has a super-backwards sense of logic. You never told me you had a brother."

   "Because you were too busy jumping through linguistic hoops. Not that they weren't entertaining."

   "I am quite athletic when it comes to the linguistic disciplines, and I've been specially trained in the art of hoops."

   Jane rolled her eyes as they ascended the stairs and turned at the landing.

   "Well, I may not be very good when it comes to the specifics of hoops of the linguistic variety, but I do know when you need to go out and have some fun for once in the snow!"

   "Hey, I have fun all the time."

   "Oh really? I've heard you cursing quite colorfully every now and then."

   "Yeah, because machines are frustrating. Do you skulk by the door or something? 'Cause it sure doesn't look like it from where I'm standing."

   He was scanning the hallway, which was completely spotless. It wasn't all that hard, considering nobody really ran around or did things here anymore. Jane kind of missed the times when the castle seemed more alive. Still, she had every corner to dust, the library to explore, and the prince to take care of, so she was never at a loss of something to do.

   "You'd be surprised how loud things can be in... an empty... castle...", she tapered off when she opened the door to the prince's room and saw what was inside.

   It was a total mess! The bed was unmade, there were random piles of... things everywhere, his desk was piled with random this and thats, all the pictures on the walls were crooked, one of them was torn, and all of these random contraptions were just lying about!

   It took Jane a few seconds to realize she'd said all of that out loud, and the prince silently shuffled over to his wardrobe and rummaged around until he pulled out the biggest parka she'd ever seen.

   "U-uhm... sorry about that.", she stuttered as he walked back over. He tried to smirk at her but it was more of a sheepish smile.

   "No, it's my fault. I have way too much stuff and nowhere to put it."

   "What do you mean, 'Nowhere to put it'?. You have the entire castle to yourself now! Well, aside from the servants' quarters, that's my turf, buster!"

   He snickered.

   "Buster?"

   "Oh, sorry your majesty."

   He faded when she said that.

   "Well, anyway, we should get your coat from said 'turf', shouldn't we, my maid?"

   She blinked. She'd never thought about how ridiculous that sort of thing would sound if someone were addressing her.

   "Yes, we should."

   Once they were finished, they made their way to the door and Jane shoved it open. Both of them were greeted with a powdery gust of wind and an overwhelming white light. Once their eyes adjusted, they saw the fluttering flakes and burdened branches and found themselves surrounded in snow drifts. A muffled crashing like a huge snow deposit falling to the ground and distant childish screams of laughter could be heard through the thick blanket that was added to slowly as the snowflakes continued to drift down. Jane looked over at the prince, who was still staring out wide eyed. Or, she assumed his eyes were wide by the placement of his eyebrows along with his mouth being slightly ajar.

   "How...", she heard him mumble.

   "Come on!", she told him, walking out into the open air, "Let's get out there before it all melts!"

   He blinked at her and smiled. As in actually smiled! He wasn't smirking or giving her a wry proxy of a smile to be followed by some random quip, he was smiling! At her! The moment was broken when he threw a snowball to her face. She sputtered and wiped the icy fluff off her nose to see that smirk of his again. Oh, he was SO going to get it! She grabbed a clump of snow and didn't bother to ball it up before throwing it. It dissipated into a bunch of slightly smaller clumps and didn't manage to reach him. He laughed, and Jane kicked herself internally for not knowing basic physics. After which, she felt her heart flutter because the prince genuinely laughing was one of the best things she'd heard in a while. It was the sole sound that reached her ears in the snow-encrusted air and she made sure to burn it into her mind.

   "So, do you want to continue failing at snowball combat, or would you like to build a snowman or something?", he asked once he stopped. She gave him her gutsiest grin and replied,

   "Oh, make no mistake, my prince, I shalln't lose to you a second time!"

   He snorted then said,

   "Shalln't?"

   "Yes."

   "That just ain't a thing to say."

   "I _shalln't_ lose to you just as you _shalln't_ nitpick my language!"

   He snickered again before saying, "Alright, but that doesn't make that word any less of a thing to say."

   "We shall let our snowballs do the talking."

   "Agreed, but first, I believe you must learn the name of your victor."

   Wait- seriously? Did she seriously not know the prince's name? Oh, wow, she didn't know the prince's name.

   "Alright then, what is it?"

   "Well, I need to know yours, now don't I? On the off chance you get a lucky shot in."

   Wait, he didn't know her name? She'd never told the prince her name? Oh, wow, she needed to pay more attention at life.

   "It's Jane."

   "Dirk. Now, Round One! We must start work on the forts! Whoever get's pelted with a snowball from the other's fort before they're finished, loses!"

   "What about the other rounds?"

   "We'll get to that. In the meantime, GO!"

   He dashed out into the snow with a speed Jane had no idea he'd had! She ran to catch up.

-+-

   If you're wondering who won, it ended in a draw.

   Once they were thoroughly shivering, they went inside and Jane made hot cocoa. Once they could move their limbs with stability, they started on the cake. The sky was starting to get darker when Jane sang happy birthday and Dirk blew out the candles in one puff. As they ate, Dirk asked,

   "So, how old are you?"

   "Hm? Oh, I'm sixteen. I'm turning 17 in April."

   "What day?"

   "The thirteenth."

   "Interesting..."

   "What are you planning?", she asked him, raising her eyebrow.

   "Just the best birthday party in the history of ever, no need to be alarmed."

   "Hoo hoo, you don't have to do that."

   "Nope, that laugh just cemented it. You are getting the best birthday ever four months and ten days from now."

   Jane did he math in her head and realized he got it right. She smiled to herself. He was probably the most interesting person she'd met in... let's actually just say in ever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! I decided to invade the notes to wish you all a happy new year and publicly lament the fact that I live in a place without snow. So, HAPPY NEW YEAR!- and, I am so jealous of all you northerners!


	4. Holding Hands

   It was January. Jane had been staying there with Dirk for about two months now. Christmas wasn't too eventful, but New Year's was another story. Dirk had tried out something he'd been working on. Luckily for both of them, he had accurately dubbed them _fire_ works, or he wouldn't have the sense to add a longer fuse like Jane insisted he do. He also wouldn't have backed up after lighting it. The subsequent explosion was deemed The Vast Bang by both the castle's two occupants and the surrounding villages. It was one of the best experiences he could recall in recent memory. Aside from his Birthday.

   It hadn't snowed as much as on his birthday for a while, but there had been a few more times when they got two or three inches. Not enough to build elaborate snow forts or spectacular snowmen, but it was enough for plenty of snowball fights. The score so far was Dirk leading three to one with five draws. Today, however, it was unseasonably warm, and the remnants of the last snow started melting. They stayed inside. He was tinkering with his automaton when Jane walked in with their food. They ate and he talked to her about his progress, even though he was pretty sure she still didn't understand some of it. He'd spent the past few weeks explaining what a lot of what he said meant. What she said sometimes was much more interesting, though. Her little verbal ticks, like saying 'Shucks Buster' or 'Golly', and her laugh was something he loved about her, so he made sure to crack jokes or say certain things to get the reactions out of her. He knew she enjoyed it.

   "So, how'd you get interested in all this, anyway?", she asked.

   Dirk paused. He couldn't completely remember what made him want to make things. It took some searching before he found it. He just wasn't sure he wanted to tell her.

   "Well, I think I was about thirteen when I decided to take an interest in mechanics and inventions and all that."

   "Really? Was there anything specific that spurred this on, or..."

   She wasn't going to give up trying to get an answer, he knew that.

   "Well... that was when they Told me."

   She tensed and darted her eyes away.

   "Oh, I'm sorry, I-"

   "No, it's fine. Apparently, nobody really knows the delicate intricacies of gorilla politics."

   He got a tiny semblance of a laugh that didn't sound like it usually did.

   "So... um... why did you take up inventing in the first place?"

   "Well... it was mostly a distraction in the first place. A way to focus my time and energy on something productive, you know?"

   "Yes."

   "But then, I started thinking. 'If I make things, things that are important and useful, maybe it won't feel so bad when I... When I'm Culled.' Then I sort of had a real reason, and I enjoyed doing it, so I went on and I was... happy. At least, I thought I was."

   "What do you mean thought?"

   "It's something I like, yes, but I don't think it could've made me happy forever. I think... I think it was a bad idea to send everyone away."

   He didn't look up at Jane when he said this. If he did, he would've been met with pure shock. He never thought anything was a bad idea. Even after The Vast Bang, he had said it was a good thing it blew up, since that was what it was made to do. Just... not so close to the ground. He continued, still not looking at her.

   "Without anyone to keep me in check, or anyone to witness how insane I was being, I think I might've... I don't know, I just know it wouldn't be good. I wouldn't be happy... I wouldn't have you."

   This time he looked up and Jane had her hand over her mouth (or at least her three middle fingers) and her face was turning kind of red. When she saw him look up she tensed and tried to find something to say.

   "I- um... well... I mean- you- you don't really mean that, do you? I mean, about having me around. I can totally believe that you'd stop taking care of yourself completely if nobody at least made sure you ate but... I can't possibly be that... that..."

   "Important?"

   "Yes! I mean, I just make sure neither of us go crazy from all the emptiness and silence. I don't think- I didn't think-"

   Dirk took her hands, which were gesturing in short bursts, tensing in the air.

   "Jane, you are probably the first friend I've ever had. You seriously don't think you mean anything to me?"

   She looked at him for a few seconds before mumbling,

   "First... friend?"

   "Yes! You stuck with me no matter how stupid I was acting, even when it probably would've been easier to just do whatever and not care about me. You took care of me when I refused to take care of myself and you showed me how fun my life could be! You're wonderful, and I'm so glad I got to meet you."

   She blinked and fell silent for a while, taking in what he'd said. He was still holding her hands, and she held them back.

   "You make me happy, too.", she finally said. They sat like that for a while, the last bits of their food getting cold.

   When they finally felt it was time to let go and Jane left the room, Dirk suddenly felt like something was missing. Like she should be in the room with him. Like he wanted her next to him. Like he wanted to be holding hands with her again.


	5. Going Rogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urg, I feel so warm and fuzzy, you're too nice, I swear!  
> Anyway, to the chapter!

   Roxy had lived near Prospit and Derse all her life, and when she was Told she felt horrible for being alive. Why should she get to live when so many people had suffered and died? Roxy Lalonde was the second princess of Skaia and her older sister, Rose, had tried to console her after she'd been Told. She told Roxy it wasn't as bad as she'd thought.

   "Nobody's suffering, Roxy, and everyone dies. It's really not so bad."

   Roxy didn't believe her. She wanted to, more than anything, she wanted to brush it off as something that happened and not worry, but she just couldn't! Tonight had been particularly restless and when she'd completely had it, she got out of bed and made her decision. She walked out of her room in her warmest clothes, carrying more in a suitcase, stole enough food from the pantry to feed two people for two weeks (even though she didn't need that much, she was always prepared), then she walked across town and tapped on her friend Jake's window. He stirred and looked up at her blearily. He then promptly freaked out and feel out of his bed. When he met her outside, he was still a little all over the place and started whisper-shouting at her.

   "What're you doing here?! Shouldn't you be at the palace!? What are you carrying? What's going on?!!"

   "Calm down Jakey, we're just going to Prospit."

   "WE?!", he didn't bother whispering.

   "Yeah, why do you think I stole so much food? Also, could you keep it down, Jakester, people are tryin' to sleep."

   "Yeah, like me! What makes you think I'd go to Prospit with you?"

   "Becauuusse I remember someone saying he'd be my loyal knight and follow me anywhere."

   "We were five! How do you still remember that?"

   "I never forget a promise, Jake. Rather I was the one who made it or not."

   He sighed and slumped his shoulders then looked back up at her, defeated.

   "Fine, you seem prepared to become fugitives on a whim anyway. I'll go get some clothes and my pistols."

   "Yay!"

   It was around midnight on January third, almost a month after Roxy's and a day over a month since Jake's seventeenth Birthday, when they set out on the half week long trip out of the independent city-state that was Skaia to the capitol of Prospit. Neither of them knew it, but that was the last time they would see their home again.

-+-

   When Roxy and Jake arrived at the castle of Prospit, it was dusk and the recent snow was melting. Roxy walked up to the double doors with confidence and knocked. Jake walked onto the landing as they both heard the faint, muffled sound of footsteps.

   "Who is it?", a girl's voice asked.

   "I", Roxy responded grandly, "am the second princess of Skaia, Roxy Lalonde, here to meet with...", she turned to Jake, "Do you know who it is?"

   He shrugged and Roxy turned back to the door.

   "The head of this castle.", she finished, dropping the dramatic air.

   The door cracked open and a bespectacled cyan eye peered out at them cautiously.

   "The prince doesn't get many visitors.", the girl said curiously, "Especially not foreign ones."

   "Well, then I guess we'd be the first!", Roxy proclaimed. The girl rolled her eyes and opened the door.

   "Welcome to the castle of Prospit, then, Princess.", she turned her head and saw Jake, "And... guest."

   "Oh, duh, this is Jake English, my trusty knight.", Roxy told her.

   "I'm actually only a page," Jake corrected, "I'll graduate to the title of knight next year."

   "Well, you're both welcome to come inside. Though, some forewarning of the visit might've been nice."

   They both walked inside, and she closed the door behind them. The castle was... so empty and quiet. The Skaians looked about, both wondering, _Where is everybody?_  Their footsteps echoed off every surface, and everything seemed to continue forever into a yellow void. The girl didn't seem phased by anything. Suddenly, just as they had passed a lobby-ish looking area with a huge staircase, there was a loud crash from down the hall and a loud,

   "MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!"

   The girl jumped and quickly puttered over to a door and opened it up.

   "Are you okay?!", she asked frantically.

   "FINE! Fine.", said a boy's voice, "I just had to break something because I cannot for the life of me figure out this STUPID PISTON!"

   The girl relaxed and darted her eyes over to Jake and Roxy.

   "Well, um, since you're fine, I think I should tell you that we have visitors."

   "We what?", he wondered flatly. He stepped out, looking rather disheveled, and looked over at Jake and Roxy in surprise. They weren't able to tell, but he looked them over critically as he walked over to them.

   "So what brings you here?", he asked gruffly when he stood in front of them. He was tall and lanky and, from where Roxy stood, pretty hot. She admired him for a while before she realized she was going to have to answer his question and snapped herself out of it. But by then, Jake had decided to answer for her.

   "Well, the princess here decided it was a brilliant idea to spontaneously leave Skaia without telling anyone and dragged me along for the ride, because of something I told her when we were five. Did I also mention that we're technically fugitives?"

   "Jake! Don't say that!", Roxy shouted.

   "Well, it's true! And I for one do not think it a good idea to keep secrets."

   "Yeah, because you're you!"

   "Hoo hoo.", a voice intruded on their back and forth and they turned to see the girl who'd answered the door holding back more giggles, "Well, I don't know about being fugitives, but you're welcome to hide from the law here if you want."

   "Why thank you miss...", Jake trailed off, realizing they didn't know her name.

   "Oh, Jane, Jane Egbert."

   "Right, thank you Jane."

   "I'd object to the invitation," said the Prince, "but I'm pretty sure I would've given you the same answer."

   "Oh, sorry!", Jane exclaimed, "I just thought it would be nice to have company, it has been just us for the past two months about."

   "Two months!?!", Jake gawked.

   "My my my...", Roxy intoned suggestively, leaning towards the two of them, "What kind of illicit activities could a boy and girl manage to get up to in the course of two months, I wonder."

   She wiggled her eyebrows and Jane's face turned red.

   "N- nothing!", she exclaimed.

   "Well, I wouldn't say nothing...", the Prince jumped in.

   "Dirk!"

   "I'm just saying, snowball fights and large explosions can be considered quite scandalous, if given the correct parameters. Not to mention, there was a few hours ago.", he smirked at her and she got a shade darker.

   "We held hands, Dirk!"

   "Hold on, go back to the _explosions?_ ", Jake interrupted frantically.

   "He was testing out these things called fireworks on New Years and they quite literally blew up in our faces.", Jane explained. Both the foreigners were taken aback.

   "Fireworks?", Roxy inquired.

   "Yep. Fireworks.", Jane confirmed, "They're actually _supposed_ to explode, just nowhere close to the ground."

   "It was a fabulous test, though.", Dirk added, "Apparently, the propellant to gunpowder ratio was incorrect. It turns out, you do not need the same amount of explosives as you do propellant. Quite the opposite actually, you need the majority of the rocket to consist of propellant so that it can gain a significant amount of altitude before exploding into a huge blare of light!"

   Roxy was sure of it, she was going to be friends with them. All four of them would be besties. It was going to be her mission for the next and only year with both of them. Even if she had to go rogue on a regular basis to do it.


	6. Forever Loyal

   Jake loved his princess more than anything in the world. He didn't love her in the romantic sense, not really. They'd been together for as long as he could remember, and he'd always considered himself lucky to be her friend. It wasn't exclusive, and it wasn't always easy, but she'd always been right next to him for anything he didn't have enough raw moxie to do on his own. She really was his best friend in the world, and knowing that she thought of him the same way made him feel good, even if it wasn't really something he thought about much. Jake didn't really think about anything much, he always went along with Roxy or with his gut, and neither had steered him wrong in all of his 17 years. Which was why this was so hard.

   "I am not going to let you dismantle my pistol, and that's final!", he said for at least the fifth time. Apparently, Dirk had limited experience with firearms and thought this would help with his firework ventures. The worst part about it was that Roxy had made the suggestion.

   "Aw, c'mon," Dirk argued, also for at least the fifth time, "I'm good with machines, I'll put it back together good as new once I figure out how it works."

   "Absolutely not! This is very delicate machinery and I won't have you messing with it for your pet project! Don't you have that automaton to work on or something?"

   "Don't worry so much Jakey," Roxy attempted to talk him down, "Dirk did survive an explosion, I'm sure he'll be just fine fiddling with your guns."

   "He caused the explosion and I don't want him fiddling with my guns!"

   "Alright, that's enough!", Jane intervened, "Nobody's taking anything apart. We are all going to sit down and eat, and Dirk will go back to working on Hal or the fireworks or whatever else he has his wrench stuck in, understood?"

   "Aw, but Jane-", Dirk complained.

   "No buts, buster, you're not touching firearms as long as I'm looking after you, got it?"

   Dirk sighed, "Fine."

   Jake was happy with it at least, and he continued eating as Jane changed the subject and everyone eventually finished.

   Dirk mostly stayed in his workshop, and Jane had the entire castle to clean, so Jake and Roxy had decided to give her a hand, which gave the three of them plenty of free time. Roxy flipped from hanging around Dirk and talking non-stop with Jane about things Jake had never really wanted to talk about in the years they'd known each-other. The two girls had become fast friends and Jake liked both their new companions. He spent a lot of time in the library, wanting to keep to himself more than anything else there was to do around the cavernous building. He explored every turn in the shelves, the curve of the walls, the state of the windows. He was incredibly explorative, and he wanted to know everything about this new place. He walked through the hallways, examined the lay of the land around them, tried his best to memorize every hallway, and opened every door. Someone else might have seen the building as intimidating and unwelcoming, and Jake would've agreed with them. The difference was, he saw it as a challenge. He was going to get to know this building, and he was going to _make_ it engaging _and_ hospitable.

   Luckily for both him and Roxy, he'd made that his mission on their first visit.

-+-

   They made their way back to Skaia three days after they arrived at the Castle Of Dreamers in Prospit, and Jane and Dirk waved them off as they rushed through the now-dry hills back in the direction of home and their families. Jake was sure he'd get an earful from his grandmother, and he was positive Roxy would get a similar treatment from her sister and mother. As the days went by, he found himself wondering what Dirk and Jane were doing and what 'illicit activities' they'd get up to in Jake and Roxy's absence. He couldn't wait to visit again and find out. When they came into viewing distance of Skaia, however, he realized he wouldn't have to wait very long.

   Roxy fell to her knees before the charred remains of their city and wailed. Jake stood next to her staring. He was going to put a bullet through something. He saw a random animal and didn't care what it was, he drew his pistol and fired. Right between the eyes. Roxy was deaf to the blast and Jake hated himself immediately, remembering what his grandmother had told him about weaponry and how to properly handle it. Grief seized his heart when he thought about it and he looked at the rubble and ash in place of Skaia. It was like a battlefield. The walls were simply black bits of brick in a familiar pattern that he'd only ever seen in overhead maps and while looking over his shoulder on his way to Prospit. The castle was a mound of decimated walls and fallen spires. Nothing was left intact anywhere in the once beautiful city. Everything was black.

   "I'm sorry...", he heard Roxy sob, and he looked over at her.

   "Roxy, you can't possibly blame yourself for this."

   "But I was gone! I was gone and now they're gone and I- I couldn't-", she broke down crying again.

   Jake walked in front of her and went down on one knee, taking one of her hands from her face and holding it in his.

   "My princess, I will never leave your side. I will follow you wherever you go, and I will forever be your friend."

   She hiccuped and sniffled to try and pull herself together before throwing her arms around him and crying on his shoulder. He held her until the last hiccups of grief left her and she fell asleep. He carried her to a nearby tree and set her down, placing some of their spare clothes on her as a blanket. He leaned against the tree and drifted off himself.

-+-

   When they opened the door and took two steps in, they were greeted with a blade to their throats and barely had time to look at the assailant before the blade was lowered.

   "The fuck are you two doing here, it's, like, two in the morning.", Dirk interrogated.

   "Good morning to you, too.", Jake replied, "So, first things first,", he handed Dirk the pistol he'd used to kill the animal, "you can dismantle this one, I don't think I should be wielding it anymore. Next, I hope you're open to keeping two fugitives here a little longer. And by a little longer, I mean for the rest of our lives."


	7. Birthday Plans

Months later

   Dirk hated Him so much! But he was never happier in his life. Especially since it was Jane's birthday, which he'd been planning since December, and had modified more and more as more people came into their lives. Their lives. Huh. He wondered when he'd started thinking of he and Jane as being a sort of... thing. Like two people who were living with one another. Well, who wanted to stay together. He didn't bother thinking about it, because right now, he needed to wake Jane. With Jake, Roxy, John, and Dave's help.

   "On three.", he whispered, "One, two, three!"

   "HAPPY BIRTH-DAY!", they shouted as loud as possible, which actually kind of scared her.

   "Agh! What the-!", she looked around frantically and John and Roxy were already laughing. She gave them her Look. Dirk loved that Look. It was probably the best face in the world. Perfectly priceless, even if he did elicit it from her on a daily basis.

   "Very nice. Dirk, what have you planned?", she inquired.

   "Getting right down to the brass tacks, I see.", he said, "Well, first up, we're all making breakfast. You're not doing it on your own this time."

   "Alright, but you're all following my instructions.", she told them, pulling herself out of bed. She looked down at her nightgown and another one of her Looks came across her face. "But first, everyone needs to leave so I can change."

   "Oooh! I wanna help with your B-day outfit!", Roxy exclaimed.

   "Um... I only have about four 'outfits' at most.", Jane said, putting air quotes around outfits, "And you know I can't fit into any of your clothes. You're a twig, I'm more of a peach."

   "A hot peach.", Dave butted in.

   "Dave!", John scolded him.

   "What, I can't help it if your little sis happens to be in the hotter end of the gene pool. Nope, scratch that, she's the lifeguard. The hot lifeguard."

   "DAVE!"

   "You know, if I were you, I'd be more worried about Dirk and the shenanigans those two could've gotten to."

   "Don't even go there, bro!", Dirk interrupted.

   "Let's all just leave so Roxy can work her magic, then we can all gawk at Jane in all her lovely birthday grandeur.", Jake said, pushing the other boys out. He turned to the girls over his shoulder and smiled, "Don't worry, I'll make sure there's no peeping on these bozos' part."

   "Hey, I take offense to that!", Dave intoned before a gust of wind (obviously courtesy of John) slammed the door shut, cutting all of them off from the girls. Dirk rolled his eyes. He knew that other people could create contingencies, but this was unbelievable. They waited outside and heard a lot of fussing and at one point even a muffled 'NO I AM NOT GOING OUT IN MY UNDERWEAR!', obviously from Jane. When the two of them finally stepped out, Dirk got Dave's point more than ever about Jane being hot. He was also surprised she'd taken something like what she was wearing with her to the castle. It was flowey, fitting, and just the teensiest bit frilly in certain places.

   "Why have you never worn that before?", he asked her.

   "Well, for your information _my prince_ ," she was annoyed, "I never found a reason to wear it. Roxy fished it out and shoved me into it."

   "Alright, so why do you have it?"

   "I grabbed the first things in my closet, and this happened to be one of them."

   "Oh, that explains it."

   "You should see her _other_ formal wear.", John muttered to Dave, "Some of the most impractical dresses I've ever seen. I was always glad I only had some suits and ties."

   "Alright everyone," Dirk announced, "to the kitchen! We have breakfast to make!"

   "Out of curiosity," Jane wondered as they made their way down the hall, "what time is it?"

   "About five A.M.", Dave informed her.

   "WHAT?!"

   "Well, there's a lot to do.", Dirk told her, "By the time today's over, you're going to be glad I didn't plan any of your other Birthdays, or you'd never want to see streamers, confetti, or any other kind of celebratory accouterments for the rest of the year."

   "Trust me. His plan is insane.", Dave said, "Whatever you did to get him to fall for you so hard, it must have been pretty important, or else he wouldn't be pulling out so many stops."

   "F- fall for who now?!", Jane stuttered.

   "Yep. I am afraid you have pushed him down the most treacherous of all the flights of stairs. He's simply gone head over heels down the passage de amour and there was no warning him beforehand. He's probably so concussion-addled he can't even recognize which flight he's hurtling down."

   "Dude. Stop.", Dirk told him, "In case you haven't picked this up in the past three or so months she can get flustered easily. It's her birthday, save the Freudian Commentary for tomorrow. Or at least after breakfast."

   "Hey, you're the one who woke us up at five in the morning to impress your girlfriend."

   "Girlfriend?!", Jane squawked.

   "Pay no mind to the huge dick who faked his death for, like, a year.", Dirk said. He seriously hated him. But, he'd always hated him, so it was okay. He looked back to see Jane had already managed to become two shades redder than he'd seen her at any of Dave's other comments. It was cute.

   "Yeah, yeah, I'm terrible, bluh bluh bluh.", Dave waved it off as they all entered the kitchen.

-+-

   It was about noon, and the plan had gone off the rails completely. It had started around seven when John started throwing around dirt clods and Roxy joined in, dragging Jake into it. Dave was for it since the beginning and Jane decided to incorporate herself into the fray about two seconds after everyone else had jumped in. Dirk hopped onto the bandwagon as well, deciding his plan could stand about ten-ish minutes of delay. It took them half an hour to finish completely, and by then everyone's state of cleanliness ranged from mostly dusted to covered in grime. Then, the overcast sky decided to start sprinkling on them. John and Jane loved it, so all of them stayed out and ran around their previous battle ground to do things ranging from frog and worm hunting to ambushing any of the others in a mud puddle. By then nobody was any semblance of clean or respectable. The rain let up somewhere around three hours later, and by then, everyone was soaked and muddy.

   Jane suggested they all go inside to get cleaned up and everyone agreed. They all got dry clothes and washed their mud-caked feet and hands, since it was about ten thirty and they had to start making lunch. Jane, John, and Dirk were the only ones who had bothered to wash their faces as well. Making lunch, however, turned into a huge food fight and by the end of it, everyone absolutely had to wash their faces and they all ended up eating sandwiches at twelve. Dave and John were talking to one another, Roxy was babbling to an ever-attentive Jake, and Jane had spent the time in between bites looking around at everyone with a warm smile on her face. As much as Dirk liked her smile and had actually enjoyed the day to this point, he couldn't help but dwell on all the things they didn't get to do. Apparently, Jane noticed.

   "What's wrong?", Jane asked, halfway through her sandwich.

   "I just had this big elaborate thing set up, and everyone essentially cut all the strings. I'm not mad, just kind of surprised that I didn't think of all this."

   Jane laughed. That instantly made him feel much better.

   "Well, I'm having fun, and so is everyone else. So maybe you should loosen up. In fact, as princess of Derse, I demand you lighten up and go along with whatever it is that happens today."

   Dirk rolled his eyes.

   "Weren't you calling me 'my prince' a few hours ago."

   "Because I'm still technically your maid as long as we're here. I did sign up for the job."

   "You did, didn't you. Honestly, I still don't get why you decided to hang around until you finally got me to eat something."

   "Because I was curious. You're curious. Those are two completely different uses of curious, by the by.

   "Of course, oh all-knowing language guru."

   Jane laughed again and Dirk could swear his heart was beating faster. Maybe there was something to Dave's comment about falling for her. He immediately began coming up with a new plan.

-+-

   It was after dinner, and everyone was thoroughly tired. Over the course of the day, the clouds had parted and the sun had dried up the shallower pits of mud. As it slipped below the horizon with little fanfare, everyone went outside to stargaze. It was the perfect temperature and pretty soon, everyone had drifted off. Everyone except Dirk, who had never really slept much. He found it kind of ironic that all the Dreamers were right here (at least, all the Dreamers he knew about) sleeping. It was like a dream, these past few months and new people slowly trickled into his life. He wanted it to last forever. He looked over at Jane and decided now was a good time to put his plan into motion. It was one of his more straightforward machinations and he walked over and gently prodded her awake. Her eyes fluttered and Dirk internally regretted never waking her up like this before.

   "Mmh, Dirk? Why aren't you asleep? Or do you want all of us to go inside?"

   "No, I just wanted to do this."

   He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. He wished he would have done that sooner, the look on her face was completely priceless, and she was definitely redder than he'd ever seen her before.

   "W-why would you want to- I mean, uhm...."

   He smirked and sat up.

   "Well, I thought about it, and Dave might've been right about something for once. I do believe you've pushed me down a flight of stairs completely without warning. Couldn't you have warned me about the stairs at least, Jane?"

   "I- I um..."

   "You don't have to get all flustered, just keep in mind I'm gonna be doing that more often. Unless you don't want me to."

   His voice was even, but his heart threatened to careen out of his rib cage. He'd never realized just how much he wanted her to like him. He'd always known she was important, but he'd never thought about what would happen if he wasn't as important to her as she was to him.

   "Um... I- I think... I think I just tripped. I've tripped and I'm pretty sure I'm catching up with you on those stairs. What do you suppose will happen to us when we reach the bottom?"

   Dirk's heart still threatened to leave his body, but it was for an entirely different reason.

   "I don't think I care.", he told her smiling. (as in actually smiling, he didn't do it too often) He could swear, she visibly melted.

   "Neither do I. I'm just fine getting scraped up with you until we do. However," she yawned, "I'd also like to sleep. Would you mind joining me?"

   Dirk had never been sleepier in his life. As he settled down next to her, they smiled at each-other and he planted another kiss on her forehead, which she took with about as much grace as the first one. He chuckled and closed his eyes as she rolled hers.


	8. Dirty Pranks

Years in the past

   She hated it. She hated _Her._ She hated everything about this horrible place she'd been born into, and she cursed every second of it. Being a Dreamer was hard. It was hard, and nobody understood. She wished she'd never been Told. She wished she didn't Know. Why did they have to Tell her? After all, she wasn't really a Dreamer, apparently. It hurt.

   She was tired of it.

   "No."

   "But why? Why not?"

   "I don't wanna run. If I'm being Culled, I'm pulling the biggest prank in history first."

   "But you can't be Culled!"

   "I wouldn't worry about it."

   "You don't worry about anything!"

   "Exactly! So you shouldn't either."

   "... Fine. I'll look for you when I reach the afterlife."

   "I'll find you before then, I promise."

   Why would he say that?

Months before (In another kingdom)

   "I WON'T LET YOU!"

   "Won't let me what?"

   "YOU CAN'T DIE!"

   "Sorry lil bro. I gotta. It's a whole peacekeeping thing, you know?"

   "Yeah, and I wish I didn't!"

   "Heh, too bad for both of us, I guess."

   "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?!"

   "Hey, look at it this way: I'll be gone, but then you'll have the place all to yourself."

   "I CANNOT EVEN! I HATE YOU!"

   "Don't worry about it. I've got a bit of a dirty trick, you might say."

   "SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT DIRTY TRICKS! YOU'RE NOT DYING, AND THAT'S FINAL!"

   "Whatever you say, oh second prince of Prospit."

On April Thirteenth

   He felt horrible, but as he pulled his prank, he noticed a red flash and knew it wasn't blood.

   "Pretty cool, Dave. Guess I'll see you later."

-+-

   As the fork came flying towards them, he took out his dirty trick and noticed that the wind picked up to his left.

   "Good one, John."

In the present (but not exactly)

   "I knew I'd find you."

   "She did this, didn't She?"

   "Yep, I saw the whole thing. The princess is safe, though. She's with your brother. And my sister."

   "Awesome. Shall we?"

   "Absolutely."

At the castle

   There was a knock at the door. Jane had been standing watch by Roxy's room since Jake had gone unconscious and was dragged into his own room by she and Dirk. She jumped, but before she could go downstairs, she heard an 'I'll get it!' that sounded like Dirk. She had no idea why he was suddenly so keen on leaving his work to answer the door. Maybe he wanted something to distract him or was expecting some kind of delivery. However, the sound of the front door opening was followed by a shrill,

   "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"

   Jane rushed down, already calling down an earful.

   "Dirk, you know it's rude to scream at... vis... itors..."

   He was here. He was standing right here! With- no, it couldn't be. Neither of them should be alive!

   "No, no, we totally deserved that one.", He said. He said! He was speaking! He was here, and He was speaking!! "We both pulled some pretty dick moves."

   "LIKE HELL YOU DID!", Dirk screamed, mostly talking to the one next to Him.

   "Okay, okay, I'm sorry! Geez!", he said, "You'd think after four years you'd have cooled down on the whole death thing."

   "What's going on down here?", Roxy had come out of her room. She hadn't come out of her room in days. Jane would've freaked out if she weren't already freaking out about something else.

   "What are you doing here?! What are _either_ of you doing here?!!?", she demanded.

   "Well, I was hoping to break this on your Birthday," He said, "but remember that prank I said I'd pull on Her?"


	9. Taking Action

   It was April thirteenth. She hated that date. It was the date that marked Her first defeat, and She would not stand for it! She fell asleep at the end of the predictable events that made up Her day and saw Him.

   She couldn't remember when She first met Him. All She knew was that He acted like a child. Honestly, how did He ever manage to do the things He claimed to do. Still, She knew He was powerful and knew better than to mess with Him. Especially with His childish temper.

   "-Evenin'."

   "Evenin yourself. Useless-"

   "Finish that sentence and you get a fork through the chest."

   "Oooh, I'm so very. Very. Scared. Of the big bad fish bi-"

   She speared him with her trident. When she pulled it out, he fell limp on the ground before his wound closed and he rose to his feet.

   "You know I don't make empty threats."

   "Point received. Through the chest."

   "Lovely. To what do I owe the graces of a god?"

   "Today. It is the day that you should be slaying the second Strider. Or better yet, both of them."

   "Actually, no. You're gettin' ya years wrong. That's next year, and it might as well be on his birthday, so it's actually technically this year, just later. Besides, I thought I made up for that one last December when I torched that little sun spot from the maps."

   "TOO MANY WORDS! You are to Cull the remaining Dreamers. You are to do it before the year's end."

   "Shore."

   "I heard. That useless. PUN."

   He was always such a buzzkill.

   "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Cull the Dreamers by the end of the year. Can I get up yet?"

   "Fine."

   It was morning. April fourteenth.

   She was headed to Prospit.


	10. Prepare Yourself

  She wasn't sure how to deal with it, but Jane was now kind of sort of in a relationship. As she finished cleaning with John, Roxy, Jake, and Dave's help, she kind of wished she had the place to herself once again. She had sort of liked all the thick silence and small conversations. Jane loved things as they were now, and she was more than happy to have her brother back, but there was something she missed about being alone with just her and Dirk.

   "Okay, spill.", Roxy said, "What has got you all fretty."

   "What? What do you mean?"

   "C'mon Janey, it's obvious you've been thinking about something!"

   "Oh, it's just... um..."

   "Who wants to bet it's about Dirk?", Dave piped up, and Jane blushed.

   "Ooohh," Roxy ogled, noticing Jane's change in color, "I'll wager that! What happened?"

   "Nothing! Well... um... I don't know if I should say, and well, I just... um..."

   "You don't have to tell us anything you don't want to.", Jake offered.

   "Aw, c'mon Jane," John jumped in, "it can't be that bad."

   "It's not bad," Jane tried to explain, "it's- actually really really nice, but-"

   "So he finally worked up the guts to confess his undying love for you?", Dave prodded. Jane turned red.

   "Wh- wha- why would- um... he didn't say _that exactly..._ "

   "Ooooh that is SO CUTE!!", Roxy squealed. She jumped at Jane and pulled her into a vise-like hug. Jake stepped forward as Jane attempted to speak.

   "Gah! Okay... I get it... you're happy... can you... let me breathe now?", Roxy let go with some help from Jake, "Guh, thank you."

   "Okay, spill! Tell me what happened!"

   "Um... Well, when we all fell asleep, Dirk prodded me awake and he... he sad a few sentences before he... kissed me."

   "Ahhh! Anything else?"

   "He- well, we said some more sentences and then he gave me a peck on the forehead and we both fell back to sleep."

   "Omigosh I'm dying, Jane! Hold on, I'm getting Dirk's side of the story."

   Before anyone could say anything, Roxy dashed off toward the workshop. A few seconds later, (just as Jake and Jane were about to go after Roxy) there was a loud banging on the castle's front doors.

   "What on Earth...", Jane started towards the door to investigate before John and Dave stopped her. Jake looked on in confusion.

   "It's not safe.", Dave said, dead serious, "John, warn Dirk and Roxy."

   John nodded and flew off in the direction Roxy had gone. There was a strange , crackling sort of sound and Jane thought she heard John shouting, 'GET DOWN!' before a huge blast sounded down the corridor along with flashing red and blue.

   "Be prepared, this is gonna get ugly.", Dave told them. Jane believed him.


	11. Sweet Dreams

   Dirk didn't like this. Not at all. He grabbed his sword and started running towards the door before John held him back.

   "You do not want to do that.", John told him, "Especially when you haven't even obtained an Ability yet."

   "How do you know I haven't?"

   "Well have you?"

   "No. But it's still kind of rude to as-"

   "YO! DREAM W)(ALE-PS!"

   "Whale-ps?", Roxy wondered, "Oh, Janey's gonna slay her for that one."

   "Jane!", John exclaimed before disappearing into a gust of wind.

   "I know you're all in here! You might as well come out and die like good little guppies!"

   It seemed to suddenly hit Roxy, the severity of the situation.

   "No no no..."

   "Roxy, you're fine.", Dirk reassured her.

   "No!"

   "Shh! She'll find us."

   Roxy took a deep breath, then met his eyes.

   "But she's gonna kill you. She's gonna kill all of you, probably me too. We're gonna die, what do we do?"

   "C'mon, Miss Rogue, I thought you never got nervous."

   "No, that's you, I can get nervous all I like."

   Dirk rolled his eyes.

   "How can you roll you eyes at a time like this?!"

   "It's the _only_ thing I can do."

   "Well, this time, I can do something, too."

   "Roxy, wait!"

   She ignored him and continued walking.

   "YOU!", she shouted before freezing up. When Dirk caught up with her, he could see why. Standing (or rather, floating) in front of them was none other than the Condescension. This was not good.

   "Oh, looks like I missed one of the little cloud children when I decimated the lovely little sandollar state."

   Roxy jumped for half a second before balling her hands into fists and running at her screaming obscenities. At that moment, John and Dave came in, with Jane and Jake close behind. They all got there in time to see Roxy get speared with a trident.

   "ROXY!", Jake screamed. The trident disappeared into a flickering green continuum before vanishing, leaving three open wounds as Jake ran up to her. He knelt down and lifted her head in his hand. She coughed up blood and smiled at him.

   "I-... I guess I should knight you... no one else can do it. I won't tell you to be good, it's sort of your specialty. Your first knightly quest is to kick her ass."

   She went limp.

   "Poor lil' thing.", the Condesce crooned. Jake turned to her. None of the castle's inhabitants could really see his expression, but they did see the bright glow about him.

   "You- YOU-", he got louder and louder, his voice seemed to echo off everything, growing firey and powerful, " **HOW DARE YOU!** ", golden sparks flew every which-way and he rose to his feet. A strange white field began growing and growing around him. Everyone backed up a few steps. Even She looked scared.

   Jake pulled his remaining pistol out of it's holster and aimed. She quickly gained her composure.

   "Ah, ah, ah...", she shook her finger at him before her eyes became red and blue.

   "JAKE, YOU DUMBASS, GET OUT OF THE WAY!", Dave yelled at him before the hall was overtaken by strobing binary colors once again. John had blown everyone out of the blast zone as the blast engulfed Jake and his radiant bubble.

   "JAKE!", Jane cried. Dirk looked on in shock. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening.

   The blast dissipated leaving... an even larger, blinding sphere of light that fizzled and smoked at the edges, with Jake and Roxy still inside, completely intact. There was a BANG! as Jake fired his pistol. The Condesce flickered into the same strange continuum that took the trident from Roxy's torso and the bullet passed through, somehow appearing behind Jake, flying for his back. It was inside the field of light.

   "Gaugh!", the bullet hit him between the shoulders at full force. The shield disappeared immediately. Jake slumped forward onto Roxy's body.

   "NO!", Jane screamed. Dirk looked up at Her as She turned to the rest of them and gave them a menacing razor grin.

   "Who's next? Oooh! How aboat the lil' blue buoy!", she reached out and began to levitate John, who quickly dispersed into a gust of wind.

   "You'll have to cut the act at some point!"

   "Aw, and skip the punchline?", he said from behind her, now holding a hammer Dirk knew he'd stolen from his workshop. He nailed her hard on the side of her head, right next to her horns, just as she was turning around.

   "AUGH!", she reeled back a couple feet, giving Dirk an idea. He was behind her in a flash, but she was beginning to turn back around, so he only managed to get his sword through where her large intestine would be (were she human) just above her hip. It still had the desired effect. "GUH!"

   She slumped forward before turning to glare at him. Suddenly, her devilish razor grin was back.

   "Sweet dreams.", she purred. He thought he saw some strange kind of glowing symbol on her forehead where her tiara converged before everything quickly went black.


	12. Lifey Thing

   He dropped to the floor, hitting the ground with a 'THUMP' as he landed on his back. He didn't move. But he was breathing. Jane didn't know what to do. She stood stock still next to Dave as John disappeared once again.

   "Aw, don't be goin' off in a huff.", The Condese warbled, "I wanna see the rest of the act. It'll be positively hilarious when you CRAS)( AND BURN!"

   She let out an insane cackle as John appeared next to Dave. Jane heard him whisper something to Dave, but her eyes were glued to everyone else. They were gone. All of them.

   "No way dude!", Dave barked at John. Her head snapped in their direction.

   "T)(ERE you are!"

   The trident sailed right for John's chest.

   "Do it!", John screamed before he was speared through the heart.

   Gone...

   "Now let's sea, which one a' you goes first...", She pondered, "I could alwaves off the dozer over here, or I cod have some fun with these leftovers!"

   "Dammit!", she heard Dave mutter before he disappeared into a flash of red, only to return a few seconds later with FIVE OTHER DAVES!

   "Jane, don't freak out.", one of them told her. She was pretty sure it was the Dave she knew. Another one looked at her and his eyebrows shot up.

   "Jane! You gotta get to Jake and Roxy right now!"

   "What?"

   "Do your... lifey thing or whatever. Just do something!"

   "But I-"

   "Ooooh, it's simply a porpoise-terous amount of beta fish! Who's first?"

   "ME!", shouted the one in the back. He jumped forward with a broken sword and it collided with her mammoth trident as the rest of them joined him. Meanwhile, Jane made her way to Jake and Roxy. No... no, God no...

   "What am I supposed to do?", she whimpered as the fight raged above her head.

   "Don't worry.", said a voice. She whipped her head around, and there was yet another Dave. He looked beaten and bruised, but he smiled at her in the way that Dave always does. "And also, I'm really sorry I have to do this..."

   "Do wh-"

   He plunged his sword through her torso.

-+-

   Jane squinted her eyes open as a strange blue light began to dim.

   "JANE!", she heard someone scream.

   She turned her head. Dave... wait... Dave!

   "UGH! I'd kill that asshole if he weren't literally me from a few minutes later!", Dave griped, "On the bright side, it looks like we live. What the fuck did you just do?"

   "I... I don't-"

   "So...", The Condesce growled, "We've got a new Life Ability. This _will_ be fun! I wonder if that was your last chance? LET'S FIND OUT!"

   She lobbed her trident straight at Jane, but one of the Daves intercepts it. Through the side.

   "GAH!", he cried.

   "Dave!", she got up, but Dave stopped her.

   "Don't worry about it.", he said gravely. Jane finally looked around and noticed that there were only three Daves left. Well, three left alive

   "What..."

   "Time shenanigans. Use that lifey thing he was talking about on Jake and Roxy.", Dave nodded to the newest corpse when saying 'he' before plunging back into the fray.

   "But-"

   "Jane, that WAS your last chance!", another one of them barked, "Don't die, you have to heal those two!"

   He was lifted from the ground, and the fight resumed while Jane looked at Jake and Roxy, wondering how she was supposed to do... that lifey thing. (she made a mental note to find a better name later) She thought back to a few seconds earlier. What had she even done? Dave speared her with his sword, then the next thing she knew, there was a blue light- wait! Okay... how should she do this?

   "AUGH!", someone else dropped to the ground. Two left. Think, Jane, think! She looked sadly at the bodies leaning on each-other. She wanted them to be whole. To be breathing. To be her friends again. She felt something tickle at her fingertips. She placed one hand on Jake's back and the other in Roxy's hand before something surged through her and she gasped as a bright cyan light rushed to the sticky, starting-to-dry wounds in their bodies. When the light was mostly faded, both of them snapped their eyes open and heaved in a breath. Jane felt like she was going to cry.

   "You're alive!", she threw her arms around them as they gave her these completely shell-shocked looks. 

   "... Jane?", Roxy whispered.

   "ROXY!", the second remaining Dave yelled. Jake and Roxy looked up and were taken aback by the scene around them.

   "Roxy, you and Jake need to get out of here! Do your little disappearing act or whatever!"

   " _What?_ ", Roxy gawked.

   "Ugh, what is with people and coming back to life? Jegus! Ugh, no, Jesus. Whatever!"

   "Just try something! Anything!", said the other one... presumably their Dave if Jane was keeping everything straight. Yet another Dave appeared in a flash next to them. It was the same Dave that had speared Jane through the stomach.

   "Future you said something about taking the very concepts of your beings out of existence.", he informed Roxy, "You figure it out. Also, Jake," he pats him on the head, "try not to destroy the  _entire_ castle."

   "What?"

   He was about to disappear when he seemed to remember something.

   "Also, Jane! Be a doll and take care of John over there."

   There a sickeningly familiar crackle in the air. Jane made a mad dash for John's body as she felt a strange blurb next to her where Jake and Roxy probably weren't anymore and noticed the remnants of red from Future Dave's exit. She felt electricity bolt down her back as she narrowly missed being incinerated. The second Dave wasn't so lucky. There was only one (living) Dave in the room once again. Jane came to a stop in front of John and placed her hand over his heart. She heard his sharp intake of breath as his royal blue eyes flew open.

   "... Jane?"

   This time, she did cry.

   "Jane, what happened? What did you-"

   "Not important, you need to get up there and help Dave! And don't die this time!"

   "Okay, but first...", he snickered, "What happened to your hair?"

   "What- John! This is no time for jokes!"

   He laughed for a second before sobering up and smiling confidently at her.

   "Alright. Remind me to ask you after Jake destroys the castle."

   "What?"

   "Death is weird."

   And just like that, he became a gust of wind and rushed upward to the battle. Jane wasn't very skilled, and she most certainly couldn't fly. Even if she could, she'd probably be terrible at it, so she looked around and remembered something.

   "Dirk!"


	13. Waking Up

   Dirk was out. Cold. He had no idea Jane was trying to wake him. In fact, he had no idea he was out. He was simply in his room, looking out at an obsidian city. He didn't really know how he'd gotten there. He noticed someone flitting through the dark air, waving their arms in an incredibly specific way. He leaned out and tried to get a closer look, but they were so far away. He couldn't really do anything from the ground either. He had an idea. Once he was out on the street, he began climbing up stairs, hopping over railings, scaling scaffolding, jumping across roofs, all the while trying to reach the specter. Once he was perched close enough on a nearby building, he felt like he almost recognized them... but who were they?

   "AUGH!", they shouted. Wait, he knew that voice... Dave began to fall out of the sky.

   "Bro!"

   Before he splattered against the pavement, Dave righted himself and resumed floating. He looked over his shoulder and spotted Dirk.

   "Hey!", Dave called over, floating up to Dirk, "I was hoping you'd woken up!"

   "What- Dave, what the fuck is going on?"

   "Well, first of all," Dave began as he sat down next to Dirk, "do you remember being knocked out?"

   "Do I... wait... oh no... wait, am I-"

   "No, you are not dead. Neither am I... I think. John, you better not screw up."

   "DAVE! DIRK!", both of them turned their heads to the bubbly voice. No way...

   "Rox...y? Jake... What- I-"

   "Long story.", was all Roxy said as she floated down to them, holding Jake's hand. Jake smiled at Dirk.

   "Well, looks like you were just comatose the last we saw you!"

   "Huh?", was all Dirk could reply.

   "Look, lil' bro," Dave told him, putting his arm around Dirk's shoulder, "The entire situation is simply one big clusterfuck, but we should all live, unless this is a doomed timeline, which is probably the least likely thing in the universe."

   "...O... kay..."

   "Also, don't worry, Janey should be perfectly fine.", Roxy said, smirking.

   "Alright, you're explaining this, Mr. Sleep-floater."

   "Fine, fine. So, when the big bad batterwitch broke the door down, all the shit you saw go down went down, and then you were knocked out. Shortly after you were knocked out, John died and I bought us, us being me and Jane, some extra time, during which she also died-"

   "WHAT?!"

   "Calm down, didn't you hear Roxy? Speaking of which, Roxy, how'd you get here? Usually you're off wandering the void. Or something. And I certainly don't remember Jake being a Far Dreamer."

   " _You-_ or I guess future you, you told me to do this! Well, he... you, whatever! I was told to take Jake away and disappear into what is apparently the void. I don't even know how I'm supposed to get back home!"

   "Oh... so it's  _that_ level of Time Shenanigans."

   "You're getting off track.", Dirk interrupted, "Now I wanna know why we're here, why they're alive, and what happened to John and Jane!"

   "Relax, like I said, she lived. I think about five other versions of me died, and one of them mentioned she could bring things back to life. Then a future me, the one Roxy here mentioned, killed her and she came back to life. Then she bestowed her lovely life-giving powers on to Roxy, Jake, and John, and she and John are now the only conscious living people in the grand hall."

   "... woah."

   "Yeah, and now we've gotta get back home."

   "That way.", Jake and Roxy said in unison, pointing behind the brothers. Dave and Dirk craned their necks to see, past the rest of the dark amethyst buildings, a dark, inky expanse punctuated by a far off white glowing dot.

   "How do you know?", Dirk asked, turning back to them.

   They both shrugged, also in unison.

   "It seemed like the opposite of the Void.", Roxy explained.

   "I get a good feeling from it.", Jake added.

   "..."

   "Don't worry.", Dave reassured Dirk, throwing his arm over his younger brother's shoulder. Dirk shrugged it off. "I'm pretty sure they're right. John and I have been trying to figure this stuff out forever, and I'm relatively sure that in that direction is what he and I have deemed the incipisphere. Waaay further inside that is the Near Base, where John's Avatar sleeps... Now that I think about it, I don't think my Avatar can enter the incipisphere. Yours either.", he nodded to Dirk, "In fact, I am 70% positive only Roxy and Jake can get the the Near Base."

   "Why?", Dirk wondered incredulously.

   "Well, now I have to explain a bunch of shit. And as far as I know, we most definitely don't have the time for _my_  explanations. So Jake, Roxy, float yourselves on over to the lovely little cloud ball that I'm assuming that light is, and try to find your way back home. Dirk and I'll figure something out."

   "Rodger that.", Jake complied, giving Dave a little salute.

   "See ya' later!", Roxy called to them as she and Jake made their way through the expanse of blackness. Dirk and Dave turned to each-other. Dirk raised his eyebrow.

   "So now what?"

   "We wake up."


End file.
